Racing Scared...

So...

I have a half ironman this weekend and if I recall I use to love to race a half.  Really one of my favorite distances.  I was really looking forward to this race and now I am scared!  I think the last time I was this nervous before I was going into a race was IM wisconsion.  I am soooo nervous and not because I don't feel fit.  I actually feel really fit.  Well fit to hold distances at a steady pace.  If I had to sprint or run a mile faster then the mid 7's, I may just break down into one puddle of mess.  So training was going really well - got the steroids for the foot and all was well and then I hit two disastrous weekends of long bike fueling.  One of them I spent the last hour of the bike sick as a dog and just prayed to get off the bike but once I started running things were a little better but it was not good.  I was determined that next week I needed to nail my nutrition.  Well next week was a disaster.  I didn't nail crap and was once again sick but this time I had an added pounding headache.  Climbing back into the hot head wind the last 13 miles to get to my car were like a death march.  More than once, I just wanted to sit on the side of the road and wait.  What I was waiting for, I am not sure as the group I was with had dropped me and Stewart was on another route killing the 100 miles that I should have been riding.  Finally made it back to my car and had another 30 minutes to ride and 30 minutes to run but I was done.  The miles were not quality and I was pretty sure I was one step away from an IV.  With these two disastrous long rides all confidence went with it.  As well as my confidence to race a half.  Now I have to stress about my nutrition the whole ride.  Stress I will, I won't be able to shut that brain off.  I am sure every slight stomach ache or head ache will have me thinking this is the beginning of the end. 

What is going on with my nutrition I am not sure.  I have always trained this way but it is not working.  Possibly because I am riding a bit harder which is a good thing but I need to change my nutritional needs to follow this new energy output?  Who knows?  We are trying to figure it out?  So I keep reminding myself to think of this weekend as training and not a race.  But I am disappointed because I want to consider this a race... Yesterday on time hop an old race report popped up from last year.  It was titled whatever... I was so relaxed at that race, no expectations.  I want that feeling back!  Last year it was easy because I wasn't training much but this year I am putting in a lot of work and I want some payback.  I do have expectations!!  To say I am obsessed with this weekend may be an understatement.  I guess it is time to practice some mindfulness or stress relieving yoga or something.  I just want Saturday to get here and for me to magically morp to the run!  Preferably to mile 13 of the run.  I also have been on a huge taper week and we all know that can make you nuts.  My calves feel like they are going to rip out of my legs, I am so tired how can I every execute a 5 hour plus race.  Taper is crap.  It really is.  I never do well on taper.  I get a sore throat, I get a stomach ache, my legs may fall off, anything you can imagine....

Everyone says Ironman is a journey and this definitely has been one.  I keep thinking it will be one more trial to add to my celebration as I cross the finish line.  So this weekend I am asking for prayers, mojo, good thoughts from everyone.  I am hoping my mind can relax and I can enjoy this distance that I love!  Then as a bonus I get some R and R in Chicago and what is even better no training!  So I sit here typing to hopefully take my mind off this race for a while and to have this report as a memory.  Maybe next year when it pops up on time hop, I can think how silly I was to worry about something that turned out great!

Happy Racing....